20 of my recent Netflix one-line reviews
The Man Who Fell To Earth-“All of Bowie’s mugshot beauty mixed with a plastic mound of Ken doll genitals. Serve over ice. Chill.”
Irreversible-“Brutally violated? Does that describe the horrific rape scenes in this movie or the seizure it gave me?”
The Wicker Man-“Wanton lust, pagan blasphemy, Psalm 23, ritual sacrifice, and the guy from The Equalizer. The Wicker Man is pretty much Piper at the Gates of Dawn: The Movie. Get on this.”
Untraceable-“We should be scared of the internet and watching Untraceable should make us fear our own eyeballs and the pure shit they’re capable of seeing.”
Dancing at the Blue Iguana-“Like burritos, free cable, and bourbon, there is nothing about people stripping to Echo and the Bunnymen to which I will ever object.”
American Psycho 2-“American Psycho 2 is a good time. Mila Kunis walking around talking to decomposing corpses about wanting to become an FBI profiler rivals Meryl Streep’s work in Sophie’s Choice. GET MONEY.”
Lie With Me-“I hate abs of steel. I’m not too keen on Eric Balfour and I hate movie sex noises that sound like someone stirring macaroni with a metal fork. Other than that, Lie With Me was everything I expected.”
Charlie Bartlett-“This kid is like the Thumbsucking Chumscrubber of Rushmore Academy.”
To Live and Die in LA-“Willem Dafoe and William Petersen (CSI guy) both do FULL FRONTAL in this….sadly, not at the same time. This is a really good movie if your favorite view in the world is San Pedro at dusk.”
The Seventh Seal-“Chess with death. Don’t watch this when you’re trying to sleep and getting over a night of opiates. Your dreams will look like racist Swedish cartoons.”
Trade-“I’d like to meet the person who decided to turn a movie about sex trafficking into a “fish out of water” buddy comedy…and shake his hand.”
The Dead Girl-“Here’s the kind of bummer this movie is: imagine watching Britney Murphy’s character in Spun, add a dash of Sherrybaby, the video for Runaway Train, and then walk in on your dad crying.”
Friday Foster-“Finally, someone made a good movie about the dangers of investigative photojournalism and Pam Grier’s cans.”
Man of the Year-“Barry Levinson, you’re usually a tremendous filmmaker. Hell, you created Homicide with David Simon and Tom Fontana. How in god’s name did you think this was a good idea? I had to douche after this.”
Strait Jacket-“Is Joan Crawford an ax murderer or is it fake Joan Crawford playing real Joan Crawford playing fake Joan Crawford? We’ve found the 4th dimension, folks. Strap in.”
Laurel Canyon-“Frances McDormand has negative boobs. Literally, they are so not there, that they’re there….y’know?”
A Guide to Recognizing Your Saints-“Wait…what? I like Channing Tatum now? I’m “into” Shia LaBeouf? What am I, 12?”
Little Children-“Let me get this straight: if you have an affair, your life will turn to shit and then some guy will chop his own balls off? You’re killing me, Larry.”
Around the World with Orson Welles-“No, Mom, Europe is great. Orson Welles is my tour guide and we’re doing the raddest shit ever. Send more money.”
Maya Lin: A Strong Clear Vision-“Early 80s Maya Lin is going to be the next major fashion icon. Move over, Edie.”
