Written before St. Patrick’s Day
Status: MAILED
Response: NONEDear National Bank of Ireland,
Did you ever receive my previous letter regarding the addition of Phil Lynott to your currency? Perhaps, like your sister organization, the United States Department of the Treasury, you have some aversion to putting people of color on your money. Sacagawea is truly a national gift, but did she write “Jailbreak?” No, National Bank of Ireland, she did not. If the addition of a music icon to legal tender bothers you, let me remind you that the nation of Estonia added Depeche Mode to their stamps. They did not write “Jailbreak”, either.
The purpose of this letter is more exploratory than accusatory, although as someone of mixed Ukrainian Jewish, Roma, and Irish ancestry, I take umbrage at several events in your past. During WWII, Ireland took in the fewest Jewish refugees of any allied country on the planet at, you guessed it, the behest of the National Bank of Ireland. We’re talking somewhere “in the tens.” Did you not realize that when Jews (of some gypsy stock) and the Irish (of some traveler stock) collide, you wind up with me? I’m pretty bad ass, National Bank of Ireland. You also wind up with Daniel Day Lewis. Chew on that for a bit.
Secondly, the scheduling of St. Patrick ’s Day is not like Election Day in the United States. That shit is in our constitution and it “occurs on the Tuesday after the first Monday of November in even-numbered years; the earliest possible date is November 2 and the latest November 8.” That’s right, Money Bank, it’s a day with a delimited yet flexible calendar date. Do you know what that means? You can simply make St. Patrick’s Day a Friday EVERY YEAR. Since you’re clearly not Jews or Zoroastrians, you don’t have to go by a lunar cycle.
Some might question why I’m writing to a bank as I should, perhaps author a missive to your Taoiseach, Brian Cowen. National Bank, in 1903, you declared St. Patrick’s Day a bank holiday which, in most countries, turns a religious holiday into a national holiday. I think we both know that the Catholic Church plays it a bit fast and loose with the ole rules now and then, so I don’t think they’d be rigidly opposed to a fixed Friday from this year forward. Worldwide productivity would skyrocket if nobody had to call in sick on March 18th. We could probably fix the global economy in a few years. From one font of financial wisdom to another, let’s do this!
I forgive you.
Erin go bragh,
Esther
