David Horowitz is a right-wing schmuck who blathers on about a vast Arab conspiracy to either convert everyone to Islam or blow up Yankee Stadium, I can’t decide. He makes Jews (like yours truly) seem like a bunch of lunatics. For the record, I believe that the only people who should occupy the West Bank are Palestinians and Druids. However, in the 80’s there was another David Horowitz on our local Los Angeles NBC affiliate. He had what I can only describe as THE BEST SHOW EVER called, “Fight Back.” FB, as I affectionately call it, boasted a truly triumphant, like soaring on the wings of eagles, theme song with the chorus: “Fight back! Show ‘em that they juuussst can’t win!” Each week, Horowitz exposed local scams long before the gotcha journalism of Dateline’s Chris Hansen. The most interesting part was that Horowitz examined local business and acted as an advocate for two wildly exploited groups: immigrants and the elderly. Ever sit in a “Jiffy Lube” sort of establishment only to be confronted by an angry man in coveralls holding up an air filter that you simply MUST replace since you’re clearly an automotive deadbeat? Guess what? That’s not even your air filter! David Horowitz taught me that!
There are too many fashion blogs. I don’t know how to dress, so I can’t do one of those. There are too many blogs about feelings. I don’t have many of those. Some teacher in a state college (or was it Michael Douglas in “Wonder Boys”?) once said, “write about what you know.” I know about cons and scams because I am vigilant…and I am also a con artist. Therefore, that’s where I am taking this blog. We are on a non-stop journey to honestyville: a place where girls (and a few sensitive guys) will learn to avoid cons, scams, and hustles through my casual pedanticism and bad puns.
Avoiding Flea Market Scams:
I went to our local flea market yesterday and while I was surprised to find a few funny conversation pieces (a Diff’rent Strokes coloring book with the most inadvertently homoerotic illustrations on earth and some new deadstock Schlitz Malt Liquor stickers which look amazingly aimed at children), I was put off by the scores of ridiculous hustlers masquerading as legitimate dealers. Here are ten rules to avoid being gouged by an ex-con with a trunk full of junk.
1. DO NOT FEEL BAD FOR THE VENDOR UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCE. Oh, their spouse is sick so they’re getting rid of as much as possible to pay for hospital bills? Bullshit. Times are tough? Don’t give a damn. Pick up a night shift at McDonalds. In fact, if someone starts trying to reel you in with a sob story, walk away.
2. VENDORS DO NOT KNOW THERE IS SOMETHING CALLED “THE INTERNET” NOW. They don’t know that if you’re a collector, you spend hours a week pricing things for your collections. If they do use the internet, here’s what they do: they go onto eBay, find a mint or near-mint copy of their item for sale and then price it at the maximum bid. Problem? It’s the fucking flea market. Whatever they’re selling is usually jammed in a box full of crap and sitting out in the sun.
3. FAKE ANTIQUES are just that: FAKE ANTIQUES. Yes, certain types of glassware are old, but mostly, they’re worthless pieces of mass-produced junk. When someone is trying to sell you “depression glass”, it is, most likely, carnival glass which is just glass with cheap acetate or enamel sprayed on it. If you pay more than ten dollars per item, you are a sucker. Toys that look like they’re from the 40’s or 50’s from Hong Kong or Japan are BRAND NEW or at most, ten years old. They’re fun, they’re junk, and they’re worth almost nothing.
4. ANOTHER NOTE ABOUT ANTIQUES: If they’re so valuable, what the hell are they doing baking out in the hot sun?
5. THE VENDOR HAS NO PERSONAL ATTACHMENT TO THE ITEM REGARDLESS OF WHAT THEY SAY. Unless he or she is selling hand-crafted jewelry or plants, would you like to know where their goods originate? Let’s begin with this: you are not buying someone’s boyhood toy that their grandmother gave him right before she died of the plague. That Charlie’s Angels lunch box for which the vendor wants eighty bucks? He didn’t scour eBay for it so he could make a six-dollar profit. Nearly all of the junk at flea markets comes from bulk auction lots and estate sale remainders. Logically, that’s the only way to make a profit. If you buy huge lots of garbage, you can sort through to find saleable items. When someone dies without a will and no living heirs, their estate goes intestate. That means the state gets all of their crap and eventually auctions it off to cover legal costs. Two lessons here: don’t pay full price and write a damn will.
6. IF AN ITEM IS TAGGED, YOU ARE DEALING WITH AN OKAY VENDOR. The tags prevent you from the awkward, “How much is this coon skin cap?” or “How much is this July 1987 Penthouse?” questions. But those tags are also a starting price. Spaces full of untagged items are where the real swindlin’ happens. The vendor will look at you, size you up, and then come up with an arbitrary price.
7. DO NOT BE TOO SHY TO BARGAIN. It took me years to learn how to do this because it seems rude, but it’s the nature of the business. Start with an extremely lowball offer. If something is $40, your starting bid should be about $10. The vendor, if he/she is cool, will take the bait. The economy does suck; the ball is in your court. Keep haggling in increments of two or three dollars until you reach a reasonable price.
8. DO NOT BE AFRAID OF THE WAY THE VENDOR LOOKS. A lot of these dipshits look like ex-cons….because they are. If they’re rude to you, do what I do: shoplift when they turn the other way. What are they gonna do? Call a cop? Fuck them and fuck the police, too.
9. IF A VENDOR FLIRTS WITH YOU, walk away. It’s a con. Also, you’re better than that, right?
10. FINALLY, BE CAREFUL WHEN BUYING VINYL. If the crates aren’t shielded from the sun, you’re going to wind up with a warped piece of crap you could’ve found at Goodwill for a buck. If the crates are shielded and the vinyl is encased in slipcovers, you’re dealing with a legit yet overpriced vendor. They will charge you the Goldmine price for the album. Before you go, check the Goldmine price/condition list at GEMM and know what you want. Ask to look at the LP, too.
So ladies, fight back. Show ‘em that they just can’t win.
Love,
Esther a.k.a. “Wheeler, dealer, and nutsack stealer”
