Lists of things
Ten Types of Songs on Classic Rock Radio
10. Songs about boners and the people who have them: Bad Company
09. Songs about how life on the road is so tough and when you’re a rockin’ man in a rockin’ band, you have no choice but to rock: Bob Seger
08. Songs that are clearly about cocaine but not called “Cocaine”: Lynrd Skynrd
07. Songs about being a lone hero in a world oppressed by lack of imagination and possibly giants: Rush
06. Songs about being a lone hero in a world oppressed by mythological beasts preventing you from getting laid: Led Zep
05: Songs about being a lone hero in a world oppressed by your teachers: Alice Cooper
04. Songs about pissing me off: Michael McDonald
03: Songs about rocking so hard, you might have to rock some more just to explain how much you’re rocking: Kiss
02: Songs about girls and the gnarly stuff they’ll do: ACDC
01. Songs about being such a badass you slashed Satan’s motorcycle tires, everyone around you is a bore, and the only way to cope is to get a doctor or slam your back against the record machine: Van Halen.
Five lies we tell ourselves
05. “I’ll only do it this one time.” Now, I’m not talking about weird sexual shit here (unless that’s how you initially read it, in which case, you’re on your own.), I’m talking about scraping resin, eating those chips that give you diarrhea, stealing a USB cable from work..those sorts of things. When was the last time you relegated your life experiences to just one?
04. “I don’t need money.” Yeah you do. That’s why you spend 10 hours a day in a cubicle looking at pictures of celebrities with acne while pretending to type up invoices. Oh, by the way, if you’re over 25 and you barrage us with “I can’t wait to go to (insert name of week-long festival/showcase/event here)” messages, you’re wearing a sandwich board that says “My parents pay for my life.” Thanks, Ras-trent.
03. “I don’t get jealous.” Are you kidding me? Every awesome thing that has ever happened (ever) occurred because someone tried to top someone else. Do you think sheer necessity is always the mother of invention? Hell no. I’m straight up jealous of: people with cars, people with funny significant others, thin people who complain about their thinness, and people with well-trained dogs. This leads me to…
02. “I just want someone with a good personality.” No you don’t. Why? Like everyone else in the world, you’re shallow. The big problem with that one is that it cuts both ways. You can be bend-over-backwards nice to someone, charming, funny, and eloquent and they’ll still piss all over you because they’re holding out for Natalie Portman. But you can blog about it because you’re actually me…and even I’m shallow, too.
01. “I don’t care what people think.” Awesome, “Dude who joined the Taliban.” What’s your name? Osama bin Pantsonfire? Of course you care what people think, that’s why you’re reading this…on Facebook….a site that advertises everything you do, the precise minute you do it.
Five great things about being a functional alcoholic
Here’s a heapin’ helpin’ of self-righteousness because I dodged a gigantic hangover, didn’t really drunkdial anyone and I’m already at work.
5. You become the master of funny retorts. When a group of teenage boys on the street calls you a “lard ass”, you can, without hesitation, respond with, “Stick around this town long enough, kids, and I’ll wind up sleeping with at least one of you. Peace!”
4. You don’t have a racist or homophobic bone in your body. Really, that’s not much to celebrate, but you constantly wonder why you’re not Secretary of State. In fact, you start to develop a pretty complex worldview that ends with, “I’m going to solve the Korean conflict with the Repo Man soundtrack and a couple dozen pizzas. Fuck it, I’m DOING THIS.”
3. You have a huge threshold for emotional pain. So you’re almost thirty and you live with your mother. A lot of “bad shit” happened to you. You’re a bit lonely. You look a decade older than you are….but you have the responsibilities of someone a decade younger. I believe that’s called “living the dream.”
2. You have an even bigger threshold for physical pain. What the hell is up with Greg in accounting? He gets the sniffles so he goes home? You fell down a flight of stairs a few hours ago either before or after vomiting through your nose and you can still reconcile invoices like some sort of financial wizard. Why, you found a piece of glass in your hair at a staff meeting and things are still kosher. Way to puss out, Greg.
1.5. Irony goes out the window. You like things because you actually like them. Shopping for you is almost too easy. You can walk into a thrift store and say, “Wow, I found a sweater with a bunch of grapes on it AND The Carpenters’ Christmas album. Today is the greatest day of my life!” and you mean it.
1. You possess a level of self-awareness reserved for yogis. (Some people call this self-absorption, but you’d do anything for anybody, even those people.) You have stared into the abyss and whatever stared back at you told you that you have a sort of Roseanne Barr-meets- Dennis Hopper thing going on and those people are BAD ASS.
Ten types of drunks using celebrities as lazy archetypes:
10. The “Des Barres”: Just like Pamela des Barres, after six or seven drinks, she’s with the band. No, she doesn’t know them and it doesn’t really matter what kind of band they are. The odds she’ll call you from an Econo-Lodge at 6:00 a.m. are pretty high. When you pick her up, don’t say anything except, “I don’t think you’re in charge of their street team.” There are a couple male “des Barres” but they’re just dudes who’ve collected every split-7” the band ever released. The band doesn’t like them and neither do you.
09. The “Scott Peterson”: Whoa, did you notice that your friend Doug acts super sinister when he’s trashed? Did he just call his girlfriend a “lard ass” when she brought back the wrong kind of beer? Being around him drunk cuts through all of the “are we friends or not” crap you think about sober and you swear to CHRIST you’re gonna de-friend him when daylight hits. (…but you don’t)
08. The “Eminem” or “Feminem”: Did Sheila always talk like that? I thought she was from Newport Beach. The ‘minem is in no way a threat to you unless you question the validity of wherever the hell they grew up. “Yo, Simi Valley is rougher than it looks.” Um, no it isn’t and no, this bar doesn’t serve Colt 45 and oh god…please…don’t…oh god you’re doing it. You’re actually walking up to random people on the street saying, “Now that we have a black president, I don’t see why we can’t be homies.” I’ll be in the car.
07. The “Larry and Balki”: This is more of a college phenomenon, but it can still happen here. One’s the sober sitter and the other is visiting from out of town to really get a taste of “the local scene.” The problem is that Balki can’t hang and after a gallon of Smirnoff ice, he’s karaoke-ing Natalie Merchant songs and kicking off his man sandals.
06. The “Babysitters Club”: The club is a group of girls in their late teens who somehow wrangled their way into the bar. Luckily (for our eyeballs) they’re decked out in American Apparel instead of Ed Hardy. Unluckily (for you) going near them is a felony…unless you want to be “that guy.”
05. “That Guy”: Not really a celebrity, but nobody wants to be that guy. Every so often, a dalliance with someone too young for you is great for your self-esteem, but if pervin’ on the youth is your modus operandi, you need to re-evaluate your lifestyle choices, including the “I wonder if prison really is anything like Oz” question.
04. The “Kathy Lee”: Did you know that she has a boyfriend who’s wonderful? Did you know that your friendship is the greatest thing ever? Do you want to hear about what happened to everyone from your graduating class and how spectacular their lives turned out to be? Of course you don’t. You’re the Dostoyevsky.
03. The “Dostoyevsky”: So you were gonna go out, get drunk, get laid, karaoke “Walking on Sunshine” while making balloon puppets out of dreams? Then you drank a bottle of Jameson and smoked some crappy weed in the parking lot when, as Raymond Chandler wrote, “The streets became dark with something more than night.” Every song on the juke box, every conversation, every glance from a stranger reminds you that you, in fact, are you and none of that shit was ever gonna happen anyway. Unless you are…
03. The “Houdini”: Everything was going wrong when somehow, the funniest person in the world showed up or the most attractive (to you, mr. beer goggles) person in town noticed your sorrow and by the grace of god, you went home with them. Your friends understood why you disappeared. In fact, your most understanding friend was….
02. The “Sully Sullenberger”: The Sully is the coolest motherfucker on the planet, even when shit is getting harsh. You and Sully find yourselves in a Tijuana jail with a hooker named Socorro and an ice bucket full of illegally-obtained Xanax. Somehow, Sully concocts a story about his mother’s anxiety disorder and all of a sudden, the Federales are treating the two of you and Socorro to a bottle of mescal and a free ride home.
01. The “Evel Knieval”: The Evel Knieval does and says anything because hey, what’s your nervous system and powers of cognition versus a BAC of .32?
1 Comment »
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Ryry Said:
on May 27, 2009 at 12:30 am
…I laughed so hard, and cried enough to fill a 3 gallon bucket…
…They are so hillarious and so true…