My boss informed me that his daughter will be working here over the summer and, in addition to my billion other bullshit pink collar jobs, I have to train her. To be specific, he wants me to show her the value of “an earned dollar.” Since she’s 15 and she’ll probably wind up making more than I do this summer, I’m going to inundate her with tedium. However, since I’m a learned sage, I will also impart the wisdom that comes from years of doing grunt work for the world’s biggest dicksucks.
Dear Spoiled Newbie,
It is my duty to inform you that life is unfair. Completely disregard the temporary and quite false sense of popularity you have from social networking sites and a high school that encourages you to be the bright unique little snowflake you are, in fact, not. That’s right, you’re about to enter a dimension beyond the realm of sight and sound where your feelings don’t matter and a well-trained ape could probably do your job.
You will soon enter the world of womanhood where your hormones knock you around from day to day while your addictive personality takes the swipes your hormones somehow miss. Since you’re an unmarried, childless woman, the office has a blank check to treat you however it pleases. That’s right! You don’t get to take days off when your “baby might have a cold” or “your husband has a bad back” and you will not be invited to any of the office functions because you are clearly a whore. Back to this “blank check” issue, you are young. I am pretty young. Therefore, really incompetent people (mostly men) will try to blame you for anything and everything that goes south.
Gaslight is an excellent movie starring Ingrid Bergman as a woman whose husband, Charles Boyer, convinces her that she is going insane so he can spend her money while she’s locked up in the loony bin. He made knocking sounds around the house and hid her purse from her, you know, bullshit like that, and she really fell for it because hey, we women are pretty trusting. Anyway, “to gaslight” is also a verb.
People who are completely failing at their jobs will try to gaslight you so you will believe that their shortcomings are actually your fault. They will say things like “I spoke to Jim at Company X and YOU TOLD HIM that you would cut him a check.” Now, you never told Jim at Company X any such thing, but you see, Jim is a salesperson. Salespeople lie because they’re under a lot of stress. You know what? Fuck them. They should have gotten a degree in biophysics instead of a junior college business certificate and an inspirational calendar. Also, they are literally two steps above hustling cell phone plans at the mall.
While we’re at it, let’s talk about some other scams you’ll encounter on the job. If you’re on the phone all day, you’ll face a barrage of crazy phone calls that sound more important than they actually are. These calls are divided into three: collection calls, accounts receivable calls, and sales calls.
When I first got out of college, I worked in corporate collections which is politely called “accounts receivable.” I didn’t really care how much money Kinkos actually collected, so I spent most of my day looking through confidential documents and stealing stamps. I did, though, learn all of the collection agent tricks of the trade. Here they are:
The fake law firm: you’ll notice that a lot of people are calling “on behalf of the firm of Dipshit and Douglas.” See, actual lawyers don’t actually place those calls. The minute you get one of those calls, put them on hold, and Google the name of the firm. 99.9% of the time, it’s a “debt recovery agency.” Their employees say really funny things like, “I am an account manager and I was asked to review some accounts for litigation on behalf of Dipshit and Douglas.” This approach is about a hair away from being illegal. You can’t say you’re an attorney when you’re not. Account manager always means collections agent. Oh, and the “reviewing for litigation” part is complete bullshit. Nearly all debts for which corporations retain collection agencies are under five thousand bucks. At best, they can recoup about eighty percent. That puts the balance in small claims territory. Your response can be a few different things: fuck off, here’s the number to our in-house council (they won’t call, don’t worry), or I’ll be happy to see you in court.
Collections agents are rude and self-important because they have a profession that makes a teenage hooker look like Mother Theresa. They know they can’t win so they’ll start screaming at you and usually, they don’t know enough about finance to realize that most of those weird debts cannot be applied to invoices via collections companies. And those companies don’t realize that the law is on our side. They can only call once a day and if they start talking shit, you can say whatever you please to them.
The next approach: white guilt. I know that this is going to come off as racist or racial or xenophobic or any combination of the three. Caveat: racially, I’m pretty cool. This is just something you will encounter as it is a funny 21st century spin on the door-to-door magazine scam. Collections and telemarketing agencies love hiring people who “sound scary to white people.” The assumption is that little white girls like you are at the other end of the phone and you’ll be so intimidated, you’ll agree to things over which you have absolutely no authority just to get the other person off the line. It’s the 21st century, get over it. They’ll call back and say, “That was rude of you. You’re playing games and we’re going to (insert phony legal term here) within the next week if you don’t remit (insert amount here) by (insert arbitrary deadline here).” Here’s a good response, “I have a game for you. It’s called ‘I don’t care.’ It’s not my money and it’s not yours, either. Have a great day! Threaten me again and I’ll get you fired.”
Write down the name of the agency. Write down the name of the “account manager.” Call or fax the agency and file a complaint.
The final trick is a telemarketing scam. People will call and say something like, “Hi, I’m from (insert the name of a phony business directory) and I just wanted to update your information…are you at…?” HANG UP. Here’s how those calls turn out: you give them your address and current phone and then they rush through a fast-paced and illegal sales agreement that sounds like this: “We will be sending you one of our (whatever unnecessary shit they’re pitching) to the address you provided and if you don’t like it, simply return it in the next week…blah blah..” The catch: you’re usually too busy to listen to them so you say, “Okay okay, gotta go.” The trap: they’ve got you on tape agreeing to this bullshit. Whatever you get will come with an insane bill and then a notice that you will be receiving said shitty product once a month. Oh, and it will arrive way after the cancellation cut off date. So…HANG UP.
Legit business directories don’t need to call you to confirm information. They have your information. It’s public record. Actual attorneys don’t call, either. They put everything in writing.
In closing, you’re a woman which means that you’ll be asked to make coffee and clean the bathrooms even though those tasks have nothing to do with your job. That’s life. Channel your frustration in other ways. Write a blog. Do your nails. Listen to a lot of Iron Maiden. Spit all over the toilet in the bathroom for gentlemen. Start a side business. Realize that you are still blessed with the gift of imagination.
While you’re at it, sweep around my desk. I have allergies.
Love,
Esther
